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Denial

I smile…on the outside

But inside, I know

My soul …Is black

Filled with guilt

It’s my fault

They haven’t heard

A word …of truth

I follow the world

Every boy and girl

Wrapped up in themselves

Have become my role model

Jealousy

Why can’t I be… like them?

Condemnation

My reputation

On the line

I claim I’m fine

…But I’m not

I want to fit in

I sin

Betraying Him

The one who made me

Who I am

Anger

Frustration

Self-mutilation

My mind’s medication

…But it’s all temporary

I lack satisfaction

Worshiping this god, my creation

But no true relationship

Emptiness

A dark abyss

…My heart sinks

What’s the meaning of this life?

Trapped in confusion

Thoughts swirling in disillusion

MAKE IT STOP!

This war I wage in utter seclusion

I’ve hit rock bottom

My soul cries in pain

I know I must change

If I want to be more than this mess I have made

…Help!

Myself I disown

I can’t do it alone

I cry out to God

Please, make me Your own

Stillness

Peace floods my being

Christ redeeming … my past

…It’s all gone

My failures …distant memories

Thrown in the Sea…Of Forgetfulness

I am blessed…beyond words

And still, I wonder

How could this be?

It seems too easy

One minute I’m a slave

The next I’m redeemed?

Innocent blood

The currency that purchased my salvation

Torture, anguish and utter humiliation

He endured it all

For me

That was my penalty

But now here I stand

Completely free!

Hello, friends.  It’s been a while since I’ve written anything personally and although today won’t be a long post as I have lots of homework to do, I wanted to share something that’s been on my heart.  It’s this idea that there is tremendous therapy through art and creativity.  I know from my own experiences that it is often through various artistic outlets (creative writing, painting, dancing, photography, music, etc.) that I am able to discover healing.  Now when I say that, please understand I am not trying to take God out of the equation.  My creative expression is focused on truths found in scripture; it’s as if the Holy Spirit flows through me more freely when my innermost thoughts are expressed creatively. I have come to find that it is through these outlets that I’m able to communicate with my Savior the things so deeply ingrained in my soul that words alone do not prove just.  Some things are just beyond speech.

I often find inspiration through similar creative works from others.  Recently, I’ve found incredible comfort in the beautiful simplicity of music.  I love the raw, passionate lyrics and the harmonious melodies of so many of these artists.  They are so real, so transparent.  My heart finds peace knowing others feel what I feel and that in the midst of life’s circumstances, Jesus is always waiting with open arms.

I’ve created a playlist with many of these recently inspiring songs.  I hope you too find deep comfort in the beauty they hold.

We have another guest post today.  I’m so excited to share this one with you guys.  This is from none other than my baby sister, Brittany.  Over the last several years, I have poured my heart into her, hoping she’d allow God to mold her into the woman He wants her to be.  I’ve seen a tremendous change in her as she’s allowed Him to take control and I couldn’t be more proud or more honored to call her sister.  Thank you, Jesus for transforming her life into such an amazing testimony.  You are so good.

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Love never fails (1 Corinthians 14:8).  How many of us actually believe that?  I know I struggle to.  Past relationships of mine have shattered my hopes of ever finding a perfect, unfailing love.  However, they have also made me realize that His love is the only truly satisfying, unfailing and perfect love.  God’s love will never fail us no matter what we do to him.  He will never turn His back on us, never reject us and He will never disrespect us.  God’s love is unconditional and so fulfilling.

Is it wrong that I want a man to think I’m the most beautiful girl in the world?  Am I out of line when I say I desire to feel irreplaceable, wanted, needed and desired by a man?  Is it selfish of me to want a man to see me as the most important thing in his life (aside from God of course)?  The answer, my dear, is no!  Call me selfish and conceded, but God put these desires in my heart for a reason.  God desires these things for us just as much as he desires to feel these things from us.  We serve a jealous God…a God who desires our full attention…a God who desires our whole heart and who wants to feel irreplaceable, to be romanced and desired by us.

One night as I listened to my friend continuously complain about how he was being treated by a girl, I realized just how great God’s love is for us.  My friend was feeling so defeated because he said no matter how much he loved this girl and no matter what he did for her, she rejected him, but he continued to fight for her despite how she made him feel.  As unhealthy as this relationship sounds it’s exactly how many of our relationships with the Lord work.  He fights for us and loves us even though we may turn away from Him and reject Him daily.  God will never quit pouring His love on us…His love endures forever (1 Chronicles 16:34).

Our God is so good and He calls us to share His love with others.  Brothers and sisters, do not feel defeated when someone you deeply love and care for rejects you.  Trust God’s plan; it is perfect.  God is so faithful and you must believe that He wants nothing but for you to be completely filled and happy with your life.  He’s never going to leave you so fight the good fight…believe and be satisfied in His love for you.

Brittany

Today I wanted to share with you a post written by a very special person in my life, Jeanne Kaufman.  Please take a moment to read the truths she has highlighted from scripture.  You will be blessed not only by her mini-testimonies, but also (and more importantly) by the incredible promises from God.

{Comforting Truth – The Lord is Near}

Psalm 34:18

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Have you ever felt so sad, so devastated, so disappointed that you’ve literally lost your energy to do anything? The things you used to enjoy don’t matter anymore and you wonder if you will ever feel ‘normal’ again?

{Comforting Truth – Strength From God}

Psalm 73:26

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

There are times in life when we suffer from a broken heart and the pain is there dominating every second of the day. It may be due to a broken relationship, something you hoped for is gone, or the loss of someone who was precious to you.

I have been there before, broken, weak, sad and lonely. I know the pain of people walking out of my life, people I loved who I thought would always be there for me. It could be that your heart feels like it is breaking when someone you love is in pain and you want to fix it in the worst way, but you feel helpless.

{Comforting Truth – Jesus is Your Rock}

Psalm 18:2

The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

One thing I am continually reminded of is that we are triune beings: we are spirit, we have a soul, and we live in a body. The arena of our soul includes our emotions, our will and our mind. Jesus said, “I will not leave you comfortless, I will come to you”. This awareness of my soul being made whole by Jesus, along with my spirit and my body has brought great strength time and time again. Paul said in the New Testament, “when I am weak, then am I strong”. I have come to realize in the 40 years of my relationship with Jesus, that its OK for me to feel weak. When I feel weak within myself, I rely totally on Jesus power and on His strength. The Word that Paul scripted is then fulfilled and I become strong. The book of Daniel tells us that the people who know God ARE strong and do exploits. I can do nothing on my own without Jesus love, strength and power.

{Comforting Truth – Faith Sees the Answer}

2 Corinthians 5:7

For we walk by faith, not by sight.

Years ago when our 6 year old daughter was diagnosed with an incurable muscle-skin disease, my heart broke. For 12 years we purposed to focus on what Jesus said, rather than our circumstances, rather than her pain, rather than our discouragement. We made a decision to put God’s Word above every other report we received.

{Comforting Truth – Rest}

Matthew 11:38

Come to Me, all who are weary, and exhausted and I will give you rest.

Not everyone’s story ends happy like ours did with our daughter being healed, but we thank Jesus for His Word and we know we serve a kind and a loving God whose plan is to heal broken bodies, broken hearts and hopeless spirits.

{Comforting Truth – Stay in Peace}

John 14:27

Peace I leave with you; my peace I GIVE to you. Its not like the world gives, so don’t allow your heart to be troubled and plan on purpose not to be afraid.

It is imperative that we live in the truth and the knowledge that we can do all things, but it is only through Jesus Christ, the One who strengthens and empowers. When we are broken, needy and desperate for Jesus we can call on Him for help. Here we are engrafted into His life-line and revived, encouraged and healed.

{Comforting Truth – Trust Jesus}

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and don’t try to figure everything out. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.

I know how it feels to be overwhelmed with a sense of lack when my broken heart has needed mending and you feel like it’s hard to get your next breath. Jesus is faithful when we feel faithless and He is able to use broken people when we turn to Him. One of the meanings of healing literally means to stitch us up and Jesus does this with our broken, wounded and disappointed hearts.

{Comforting Truth – Don’t Carry Your Problems}

1 Peter 5:7

Cast all your anxieties on Jesus, because He cares for you.

My encouragement is to stay in faith and practice keeping your focus on the Promise, not the problem. When Jesus makes us whole and we allow His compassion to fill our hearts, we can be loving, forgiving and kind to others. We can help heal others pain. He takes the broken pieces of our heart and touches us with His glory. He caresses us in billows of love and tenderly speaks “Shalom” into our wounds, whispering ‘there is nothing broken precious one, there is nothing missing, you are well, you are whole, you are complete in Me.’ We are then able to look for the best in others because we are at peace. We are keenly aware of our own weakness without Jesus and we learn to rest our entire being on His breast and be nurtured minute by minute in His Presence. We can breathe again, we can live, we can love because we have received ‘the Touch’ that makes us whole.

{Comforting Truth – Cheer Up}

John 16:33

I have said these things to you, that in Me you may have peace, in the world there will be trouble, but cheer up (take heart) I have overcome the world.

This post was written by Jeanne Kaufman of Holy Life Tabernacle in Brookings, SD.  For more from Holy Life, check out www.HolyLifeTabernacle.com or subscribe to their 3 podcasts on iTunes.

Hello Friends!  It is my earnest desire to be as real and open with you as possible.  Not at all because I like making myself vulnerable (believe me, I don’t), but because as scripture says in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, “[The Lord’s] grace is sufficient for you, for [His] strength is made perfect in weakness.” So I humbly and vulnerably admit to you that I am weak.  Any strength I have has been given to me from the Lord.  Any accomplishments I achieve are only through His power.  On my own, I am utterly and hopelessly nothing.  And I am thankful for that.  If I had to depend on my own strength to face every day, I would be telling you a much different story, one wrought with defeat, humiliation and darkness.  But as it stands, by the grace of God, I am victorious and I will continue to be victorious no matter what the enemy throws my way.

Now it’s confession time.  I have struggled for months, for years with depression and anxiety.  I have lived in fear of … seemingly everything.  And sometimes those fears have grown so big and so out of control/all-encompassing that I can’t even name them.  I can’t honestly tell you what it is that makes me feel the way I do, but just that I feel afraid and hopeless as if there’s a dark presence constantly around me whispering to me that I will never be good enough, that I will never find rest, that no matter how much I try to accomplish, there’s always more I should have done.  My mind is filled with words like failure, disappointment, worthless, hopeless, rejected, alone.  And the more they swirl around in my head, the more exhausted my spirit becomes.  It’s hard to get up in the morning.  It’s hard to do anything.  I don’t want to seek out relationships because they’re too exhausting and I run the risk of letting someone else down.  I feel utterly worthless in every aspect.

Last night I picked up my Bible and I opened to a verse I’ve read many, many, many times.

2 Corinthians 10:3-5

Although we are human [mortal, finite beings, flesh and blood], we do not wage war [spiritual war] with worldly [fallible] weapons.  We use God’s mighty [infallible, perfect, victorious] weapons [the Word, prayer, worship, praise, fellowship, the Holy Spirit] to knock down [destroy, demolish] the enemies strongholds [the lies he has slowly ingrained in our minds as truth].  With these weapons, we conquer [we are victorious over] the rebellious thoughts [ideas that do not line up with the truth found in the Word] and we make them [force them to] obey Christ.

As I read these words over and over and over again, claiming their promises as my own, slowly my heart found peace.  My mind began to calm, focusing on my Savior as I began to consciously recognize the things I’ve thought were true about myself were all lies and that through the love and grace of my God, I AM victorious over the one hoping to keep me in bondage to those lies.

This is an attack I’ve been expecting.  As we take steps forward for Christ, the enemy is threatened and he will do anything he can to stop us from spreading the word of God.  He knows our weaknesses and he is sneaky and conniving.  Just as God has many wonderful plans for our lives (Jeremiah 29:11), the enemy too has plans for us (John 10:10).

Please friends, if you find yourselves under attack, do not give into the lies.  Take hold of the promises found in scripture.  You are a beloved child of God and you were created on purpose (Psalm 139:1).  You are a treasure (Exodus 19:5).  God doesn’t make mistakes (Psalm 139:15-16).  He has plans for you and they are GOOD.  He knows your every thought and He sees your every need.  He will take care of you.  He wants to take care of you (Matthew 6:31-33).  He wants to heal your pain and restore you to wholeness (Isaiah 53).  Nothing bad comes from Him (James 1:17).  If you are struggling, that is not punishment from the Lord.  He is waiting with open arms, ready to embrace you and walk with you through the valley into the light (Isaiah 43:2, Luke 15:11-32).

As I said earlier, one of the most powerful weapons we have against the enemy is the Word.  I encourage you to get into the Word.  Read it.  Memorize it.  Meditate on its truth.  And when you’re being attacked, speak those words over your life.  Nothing scares Satan more than the Word of God and the name of Jesus.  James 4:7 says, “Resist the devil and  he will flee.”  Make him run in fear.  Teach him to be afraid of you.  You aren’t fighting alone.  You have God on your side and He’s already defeated the devil.  The enemy stands no chance against you.  Walk with confidence even when life is rough.

I also encourage you to reach out to a friend, a parent, a pastor…whoever.  Find someone to confide in.  Don’t try to carry your burden alone.  We aren’t meant to go through life without each other.  Fellowship is part of God’s plan.  Don’t be afraid to talk to a counselor either.  That’s what they’re there for.  I’ve found my times in counseling to be some of the biggest blessings in my life.  They’re equipped with tools to help you change your thinking and get it back in line with the Word of God.  They’re there to help.

Finally, if you, like me, struggle with negative thoughts, go to the book store and find the book Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer.  I’ve read this book multiple times and am beginning to read it again.  It is a wonderful tool to help you restructure your thought patterns and recognize when you’re being attacked.  Please, please take the time to read it.

As for me, I know I have a journey ahead of me.  It takes times to break strongholds and change distorted thinking.  But I know I am walking in victory.  I know what the Bible says and I know how God feels about me.  His plans for me are good.  I am committing my heart to His good plans and trusting Him to walk me through this valley and into the light.

Father, I come to you now broken and in need of your healing.  I am desperate for you.  You are the Lord of my life and I am placing my heart in your hands.  You alone are the Savior of my soul.  You want me to live in victory.  Your word says in John 8:32 that we will know the truth and the truth will set us free and in verse 36, if the Son has set us free, we are free indeed!  God I thank you for freedom.  I will not be slave to the lies of the enemy.  I know the truth found in your word and I claim it for my life.  You have come to give me abundant life with overflowing joy.  You have come to save my soul from sin and death.  Your good and perfect love for me casts out all fear.  In you, I am a new creation.  In you I find life and purpose.  In you, I am made whole.  You have called me by name, commissioned me for a purpose and I will not let the attacks of the enemy keep me from that purpose.  I plead your blood over my life now, Jesus, protecting me from the enemy.  Remove the blinders from my eyes that I may see you clearly.  Release me from my past pain; I will not let it hold me back anymore.  Strip me of my desire to please the world.  Tear me away from my earthly passions.  I know none of it matters, yet I struggle not to fall right back into those old habits, seeking the world’s approval and storing up treasures here on earth.  Burn those desires out of me.  Change my focus.  Teach me, Lord, to store up treasures in Heaven.  My heart cries out to you.  I need you Jesus.  I need all of you.  I long to see your face, to feel your arms wrap around me as you hold me close.  I want you to change me, mold me, make me more like you.  I am your servant, humbly admitting my dependence on you.  Take me, Lord, and use me for your glory alone.  I am yours.  Lord, thank you.  In the midst of my struggle, you are with me.  You are my light, my salvation, my guidance, my provision.  Thank you for hope and joy.  Thank you for your promises.  Thank you for vision and ambition.  Thank you for family and friends to keep me accountable and encourage me to stay strong in the faith.  Thank you for your Holy Spirit, my helper.  Thank you for allowing me times of struggle to keep me humble and remind me of my need for you.  Thank you for using these times of weakness to show me your strength.  Thank you for holding true to your word even when I fail you.  My heart abounds with love for you.  Jesus, I am eternally yours.  I thank you and praise you for your work in my life.  In your precious and holy name, the name above all other names, Jesus, I pray all these things.  Amen.

~linds

Photo by Savio Sebastian. Thanks Savio.

Well friends, we are officially Missourians now.  We’re officially unpacked and settled in!  This is good news for me to tell you as I don’t particularly enjoy the disorder of moving.

God, of course, couldn’t wait to use this new opportunity to teach us a lesson.  As we arrived at our new duplex around 9:00 pm, we were astonished to find 3 of our neighbors already helping my parents unload the U-Haul.  I was overwhelmed with appreciation as the loading and unloading are by far my least favorite part of moving.  Alone, this job seemed insurmountable, but with a few extra helping hands, we were done in no time.

But something else struck me as I watched these men go back and forth from the truck, sweat dripping down their faces all to help a neighbor.  Isn’t that what we’re supposed to look like as Christians?  Sweat dripping down our faces as we sacrifice to lend a hand to someone else, expecting nothing in return…  And yet how often do we…do I… interpret the “love your neighbor as yourself” commandment as simply saying hi as I pass by someone in need?  Of course I have my excuses.  “God, you know I would, but I’m running late for this really important thing I’ve had planned with a friend for a whole day now…  I don’t want to let her down.”  But when the tables are turned; when it’s me looking for a helping hand, that hand means more to me than a million half-hearted greetings from passersby.

That moment with our new neighbors spoke volumes.  And it served as a challenge to me to put someone else first, to first look for the need and then fill it.  And in doing so, we’re able to demonstrate to someone the love that Christ has for them.  What greater honor or purpose could we hope for?

Over July 4th weekend, Mike and I [finally] went to Springfield in search of jobs and housing.  I’m happy to report that as of August 1st, we will have a place to live and it has 3 bedrooms, so if you want to come visit us, let us know!  We are still searching for jobs [check out Mike’s article published in our local paper], but we are completely confident that God will work that out at exactly the right time.  Please be in prayer for us as we start this new chapter of our lives.

Take a look at a few of my favorite shots from the trip.

We recently had all my mom’s slides/photos/negatives from her childhood scanned and digitalized.  It’s been such a blessing to be able to see photos of her that I’ve never seen before.  So, in honor of her birthday (I won’t tell you which one.  All I’ll say is that it starts with a 5 and ends with a 7.), I have decided to share some of those precious memories with our beloved blog-readers.  Enjoy![slideshow]

Before I begin, I’d like to apologize.  I’ve been terrible about keeping up with this blog.  It’s been weighing on my mind for some time now, but the more I put it off, the more intimidating it became.  And to be honest, I don’t know why.  But I intend to change that pattern starting today.

As I read my Bible last night, I was thinking about opportunity.  I so often pray, “Jesus, use me.”  And then wonder why he hasn’t sent me to Africa or to the inner city of Chicago.  Here I am…in rural South Dakota (soon to be Missouri) where the worst thing that happens (typically) is attempted cow tipping.  And nowhere in the Bible does it say, “Thou shalt not tip over thy neighbor’s cow.”

So last night, I read Acts 3.  I’ll give you the quick version but I recommend reading it when you have a few minutes to really meditate on it.  Peter and John are on their way to the Temple.  As they approach the Temple, a crippled man was sitting by the gate.  He asked them for money…they said they had none, but that they’d give him what they did have.  Pretty soon they reached down, grabbed his hands and picked him up.  Tada!  He could walk.

Here’s what gripped me though. In verse 12, it says, “Peter saw his opportunity and addressed the crowd.”  First, he saw the opportunity.  In order to see something, we have to have our eyes open, to be aware of the possibility and be looking for it.  I ask God to use me, but so often I go about my day focused on me.  How will I ever see the opportunity to help someone else if my eyes are focused inward and not outward?  Second, Peter acted without hesitation.  I humbly admit there have been several times in my life that God has spoken to me, opened my eyes to opportunity and instead of acting, I’ve hesitated and lost what could have been a life-changing moment for someone.  So as I read and re-read and re-read that one simple verse, God spoke to me and changed my heart.

One more thing before I close this long-awaited post.  In verse 6 of Acts 3, Peter tells the crippled man he’d give him what he had.  Although it doesn’t say it, this is a perfect example of Peter seeing an opportunity and acting on faith.  And look at the result.  I encourage you, brothers and sisters, to open your eyes to the world around you.  Look for opportunity to be ambassadors for Christ and then take that step of faith and let God use you to change someone’s life.

Lindsie